You will all come to know that I am utterly obsessed with Timothèe Chalamet’s acting ability. I have wanted to watch this film since I found out it was being made, not only because he was in it, but also because of the subject material it covers.

A little background on me and why I connect so fully to this film. My dad is a recovering meth addict. For much of my life, he chose drugs over me and my sister, and I have never been able to comprehend (in the slightest) what he might’ve gone through. I make light of the situation i grew up in without him because there is no other option unless I want to be seriously depressed and lonely. Which I don’t.

So watching the film really hit home. I related to Steve Carell’s character, always trying to get his son back. He wanted to have the person he knew before the drugs back, but the further he got into the research of what methamphetamine does to a person’s body made him lose faith in the idea of getting that Nic back. He had to settle for getting his son back sober, no matter what he was like.

When my dad first went away on his excursion for drugs, my grandma on my mom’s side did the same research David did to help my mom come to terms with what was happening in my dad’s body and brain. Essentially, the brain of a person who has used meth is “stuck” at the age they first used it. That becomes more irreversible the longer and more the addict uses.

My father is forever stuck at about 16-years-old, which makes him understand life as a teenager a bit better, but it also makes it so as I age, we connect a lot less on the things that matter most to me in my life.

The moment in the film that first moved me to tears (like, heart-wrenching body-wrecking sobs) was the first time we are shown Nic injecting himself with the drug. It is such an intense process to get a high you will never be able to achieve again, because chemically, the first high a person gets on meth is the best they’ll ever get, which is what gets them hooked. The next time they do it, they have to double or triple the dosage to get even close to what they felt the first time. It takes a massive toll on your body.

Then, there was hope. Nic OD’ed and wanted to get sober, for himself (which, to me, is the most important part). He went to rehab. He was healthy. He was recovering with his sponsor. He was 18 months sober.

Until he wasn’t. Which was the actual most heartbreaking part of the entire movie. I got to see someone who was doing so well crash and burn and not think about anyone’s feelings but his own. Relapse is a part of recovery, but they never tell you how hard it is to see someone you love go through relapse.

They have no regard for anyone. All they want is their next fix, and they will do anything to get it. Even steal their brother’s life savings of eight dollars.

You want so badly for them to succeed, and they can. And you know they can, but it is a matter of if they want to. You also can’t expect them to be the same they were before everything happened. They will be happy, but they will never be as happy as they were before they first doped up. Those are the hard facts. And if you’re the child of an addict, I’ll tell you that you always feel like youre about to be replaced by the drugs. If you slip up once, they will leave you for the one thing that can make them happy.

At the end of this stream of conciousness, straight from the heart review, I want to read both the books the film is based on. The true story is heartbreaking, and I want to know every bit of it.

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